Hate
by Spwaddict
Summary: Angelus' return makes Willow's thoughts and hate to resurface


TITLE: Hate  
  
AUTHOR: Spwaddict  
  
E-MAIL: brackish60518@yahoo.com  
  
SUMMARY: Angelus' return forces Willow's thoughts and hate to resurface.  
  
RATING: PG-13  
  
SPOILER: "Orephus", "Passion"  
  
DISCLAIMER: Characters, sets, wordrobe, "Angel", "Buffy tVS" is not mine. Am I missing anything?  
  
NOTES: I thought the Willow and Angelus aspect of the episode Orephus was underdone, so when unhappy, fanfic ensues.  
  
FEEDBACK: I need feeback like a 200+ year old vampire with soul needs redemption.  
  
~~~  
  
"Forgiveness is an act of compassion...It isn't given because someone deserves it. It's given because they need it."--Giles, "I Only Have Eyes for You"  
  
~~~  
  
Angelus.  
  
I always hated the way such a beautiful name could be distorted and changed to cause such fear and disgust. I always hated him. His loathsome smirk that never faulted. His hands that were always cold and covered in blood. His perverse perception of art by torturing and murdering people I loved. They never knew how much I hated him. They could never comprehend how deep it could fester in a nerdy red head's mind. He was Buffy's Ex, and only taunted her. If only.  
  
It was always about Buffy, though. The sleepless nights I had were only so I could run to Buffy the next day. I could tell her, and she would hurt more. I never told her.  
  
I got the call today, safely secure with my friends and family, far away from any thoughts of him. Fred called me today telling me he was back. My face fell along with my world for only a moment. I covered nicely. What would they think if I would have screamed, cried, yelled? They need my help. They need his soul.  
  
I'm in my car, on my way to Los Angelus. Angelus. I would have laughed at that if I didn't hate him so much. I hate him for finding another way into this world. I hate him for finding another way to in twine himself into my thoughts and dreams once more. I would have cried, but I'm done with all that.  
  
I remember the spell I did to keep him out of my house. I had nailed my crosses on my doors, with my empty fish tank blaring its harsh light at me. Thank God it was after that when he decided to visit. The slight tapping at my balcony door was barely heard by the sixteen-year-old hacker. He made his presence known, though. I opened the door knowing--praying--that he couldn't get in. I tried to be strong, to be a stone face that looked up to his smirk. I hate that smirk. I tried to be like Buffy. I always try, but never can.  
  
He told me he was going to kill me. Worse, he told me how. He had an amazing imagination, and unfortunately at that moment, so did I. Blood, screams, rope, knives, fire, rape. All the things that no longer shock me. It did then. I shut the door in his face, slamming it on his smirk. I cried so hard that night I thought I might have died. I cried until I loss consciousness, and I knew he watched me the whole time. Night after night, he watched me.  
  
Even now, I check windows before I undress. I glance out of them unconsciously, I have every since.  
  
I check the back seat of my car for the thirteenth time. Fourteenth.  
  
Angel.  
  
It took a while for me to adjust. After Angel came back from hell, I was understandably dubious. Angelus was always a good actor. Though I had to admit it to myself that it was Angel. I could see the soul in his eyes. It burned so bright, it was hard for me to look at him. Maybe a side effect from the spell.  
  
After he came back, he knocked on my balcony door. I opened it, knowing he couldn't get in and telling myself that it was Angel, over and over again. The silence between us swelled as did the uncomfortable tension.  
  
"I'm not inviting you in." It.was.Angel.It.was.Angel.It.was.Angel.  
  
"I don't want you to." I was Angel, I could see it like always.  
  
"What *do* you want?" My words were harsh, even for me. He thought he deserved it, and I did too.  
  
"...Is there anything I can say to make you hate me any less?"  
  
"Tell me you're not him."  
  
"He's gone. All he left was memories and consequences...And friends I can never get back."  
  
"Friends were lost on both sides." His look almost made me cry, but I was done crying in front of him.  
  
"I'm sorry."  
  
"I know."  
  
The thought of destroying Angelus forever crosses my mind. Not just by some spell to bind a soul to him, but destroying him by killing them both. With a flick of my wrist, and I could turn him into dust. Behead him, make him explode, or shove a wooden shard into his heart. But I'm done with all that.  
  
I hate Angelus.  
  
But I love Angel. And that's enough to save him. 


End file.
